"Being Vulnerable" Is Not The Only Way to Connect

With "vulnerability" reaching buzzword status, it may be relegating to the shadows other key ways that we cultivate connectedness in everyday life

Lately, when I hear people discussing human connection—be it on social media, a podcast, a TV show, or even when overhearing a conversation on the street—the message tends to focus on the importance of being vulnerable.

On one hand, as a psychologist who studies how we connect, I find this wonderful—the capacity to open up and share our most vulnerable selves is a very useful tool in relationships.

On the other hand, it also strikes me that the concept of vulnerability has reached the point where it is being oversimplified into a buzzword, as well as moralized—being held up as the “right” way to have meaningful moments of social connection.

As I have written about previously, there are many ways to connect with the various people we encounter in different situations throughout our days. And deep vulnerability is not always a requirement—or advisable.

Less Vulnerable But Still Meaningful Connections

In my research, I interview and survey folks about moments of connection in their everyday life, and people tell me all kinds of stories about how they experience connection. Consider this one, shared with me by a research participant:

I was walking down the streets of downtown [East Coast City] wearing a hat of my favorite NFL team, the Dallas Cowboys, when suddenly a guy around my age is walking down the street coming towards me wearing the exact same hat and as soon as he walks by he says, “Nice hat!” to which I say, “Thanks man.” We then proceeded to talk about the upcoming season for about 15 minutes… the experience made my day and it is something I will remember for a while.

This is an instance of human connection around a personal identity that two people literally are advertising on the outside of their clothing—it would demean the sometimes extreme psychological discomfort of truly vulnerable moments, moments where we genuinely risk shame or psychological injury in opening up about ourselves, to call this interaction vulnerable. Yet for this participant, shared identity and shared excitement made a potent combination for connection.

This is not a surprising anecdote if you study social connection. Research shows that people bond in so many ways, including through engaging around their similar sense of reality and enjoying positive feelings together,

Other ways of connection that may or may not require vulnerability include being affectionate, celebrating one another’s successes, coordinating body and mind in shared activities like singing and dance, or supporting others who need help. Humor is also a particularly effective way to connect—laughing along with others even produces bonding hormones.

Discernment and Connection: Developing a Toolkit of Ways to Connect

Vulnerability is essential for cultivating emotional intimacy, useful for resolving interpersonal conflicts and for seeking support in challenging times—yet some folks in our social network might be great to connect with in some ways, but would still not be the person we want as our closest confidante.

The intimacy that arises from opening up about our deepest selves is contingent on the response of the person we are sharing with. If we don’t feel like someone is understanding, validating, and caring in response to our vulnerability, then we may feel hurt or ashamed rather than connected. Internal struggles might exacerbate this risk, for example if we feel low about ourselves, we are more likely to perceive others as unsupportive, making it more difficult for people to effectively be seen as responsive. Different social contexts might also influence the impact of vulnerability—being radically open-hearted at home might be advantageous yet might backfire in certain workplace situations.

Even Brene Brown, whose TED talks and books certainly were central to putting vulnerability into our mainstream psychological vernacular, is clear that despite the importance of being vulnerable to achieving the kinds of goals and relationships we value, “letting it all hang out”—being an open book with everyone and in all circumstances—is not advisable.

Discussing our struggles openly actually often makes us feel worse in the moment, but helps to build closeness in our relationships. So if we feel like we want to—or tell ourselves that we should—be vulnerable in a situation, we can ask ourselves, is this a person I can and want to build a closer relationship with? We take a risk when sharing personal and emotional information, so we are our own advocates when we consider whether there are decent odds that we will be received with respect and care.

This is an invitation for us all to practice discernment—considering when it is useful to go deep and open-hearted beyond the edge of comfort, and when it’s useful to joke around and laugh, or to initiate familiar and comfortable interactions.

Rather than focusing on the right or wrong way to experience human connection, I suggest we keep an eye towards broadening our social toolkit, and reflecting on the most useful tool for the moment we are in and the persons we are engaging with. Sharing our most vulnerable self is a vital tool for social connection, but it doesn’t fit all situations—and is certainly not required with all acquaintances, friends, or even family. No one is a failure for not being vulnerable in a social interaction.

A version of this post also appeared on my Psychology Today blog.