To Address The Loneliness Epidemic We Must Address American Masculinity
The behaviors expected of people adhering to masculine norms function to create distance rather than connection—we need to keep cultivating forms of masculinity that value relatedness and care.
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy released an advisory this month outlining the dire mental and even physiological health risks of loneliness and isolation, which are currently in epidemic proportions.
Not mentioned in the advisory is the fact that surveys show loneliness is especially increasing among men. As a researcher of the ways we experience social connection, I believe the effort to address loneliness and isolation needs to include a project to broaden American notions of masculinity to more deeply include the values and practices that help us to connect.
Research shows that men who conform to traditional masculine norms struggle more socially and have less satisfying romantic relationships. And despite visible shifts in how we relate to gender as a society, a vast majority of men describe themselves as either “very” or “somewhat” masculine—and therefore are negotiating with cultural ideals of manhood in the decisions they make in their everyday social lives.
There is no intrinsic reason that masculinely-identifying people should struggle to form deep connections with others—the capacity to connect is built on basic fundamental aspects of human psychology, no matter the gendered expectations of one’s culture. It’s normal for boyhood friendships to be disclosive and empathetic. Yet NYU Professor Niobe Way’s research shows how boys’ emotionally intimate connections fray as they enter their teen years and close themselves off in adherence to mainstream masculine norms.
How The Pressures of Masculinity Can Block Connection
Conforming to the expectations of American masculinity serves to distance us from one another. When we focus on cultivating power over others, emotional stoicism, competitiveness, aggression, or self-reliance, we are engaging in behaviors that push others away (or pull us from them). None of us fully embrace these expectations all of the time, but when we identify as masculine we cannot fully escape grappling with the pressure of their influence.
When we look at the basic mechanics of how deep emotional closeness develops, we can see how traditional American masculinity clogs up the gears.
Social psychologists have long understood that emotional closeness occurs when we open up about the vulnerable aspects of ourselves and respond to each other with understanding, acceptance, and care. This process, called responsiveness, is the cornerstone of quality relationships of all kinds.
So, to forge close and trusting bonds we often need to listen deeply with care and understanding, which may feel like stepping down in power and control. To be capable of opening our hearts to others involves a kind of risk-taking that we as men may have much less practice with: showing emotional vulnerability. And we need to compassionately embrace the emotional expressions of other men, rather than wince or judge, fix or explain. These skills take a lot of practice to develop, and may get neglected when we identify masculinely.
The Capacities Needed for Connection Can Co-Exist with The Positive Attributes of Mainstream Masculinity
Cultural expectations for men to give and receive care can and should coexist with the positive expectations of mainstream masculinity. Psychologists know that well rounded and thriving human beings cultivate a whole spectrum of (sometimes contradictory) capabilities that can be useful in different contexts. Self-reliance, for example, absolutely has a place in a human life, but should not cancel out well-developed skills to enact compassion and connection. Indeed, robust research shows that people benefit from both relatedness and autonomy in our lives. The Surgeon General’s advisory notes how suicides in men are related to a lack of close connections—our cultural prizing of the individualistic side of men’s humanity echoes in these tragic deaths.
Many men and boys are already embodying a more whole humanity, cutting a deal with traditional masculine expectations to grow their emotional and social intelligence. I personally see many of my male-identifying peers embracing their felt experience and their affection for others, including their male friends. Yet, this progress comes in parallel with some worrisome statistics: 15% of American men have no friends, and younger men reach out to friends for support in declining numbers.
A Few Thoughts on Making Change
The behaviors associated with masculinity are culturally produced, and we have the power as a culture to be thoughtful in the messages we create and share through cultural channels—I love a study that found that priming men who identified with traditional masculinity with terms like “caring is strength” increased their empathy. This kind of messaging is much more persuasive than backlash-inducing terminology like “toxic masculinity,” as sociologist Micheal Kimmel points out. We also have the power to lift up men who model care into positions of power and into the spotlight, and those of us who identify as men owe it to each other to grow our abilities to connect so we can support and role-model for each other.
Finally, we need to dispel confusion about social and emotional learning for our children. SEL offers children the tools early on to identify their own emotions and those of others, to use language to share their inner world and offer empathy to the inner world of others, and to learn how to solve problems together peacefully. We need to grow the infrastructure around social skills education so our next generation has these tools on board as they grow up, no matter how successful we are now in cultivating compassionate forms of mainstream masculinity.